


The Adventures of Kyle Lauren and the Fuckos

by smoothmovebro



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Flirting, Bad Jokes in General, Bad Puns, College Parties, Crack, Dancing, Drinking Games, F/F, M/M, awkward morning afters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-20 09:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6000199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoothmovebro/pseuds/smoothmovebro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a coffee order gone wrong, <strike>Kyle Lauren</strike> Kylo Ren decides to get revenge on the Fuckos aka Rey, Finn, and Poe Dameron.<br/>It's college. There's a costume party coming up and massive beef among students determined to beat the shit out of each other. What could possibly go wrong?<br/>(Loosely ties in with my other fic "Living like We're Renegades")</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Afternoon

**Author's Note:**

> With great crackfics come great subversion of literary conventions and norms. The more unbeta'd, the better.  
> This goes out to anyone feeling a bit down on Valentine's Day. Here's a little something to cheer you up.  
> You will notice that I reference a lot of Tumblr shitposts for Star Wars in this fic. I will give those posts credit at the end.

“Coffee for a Kylo Ren?”

Kylo Ren, with his luscious ebony locks, stepped forward and grabbed the cup of coffee from the counter. He barely paid attention to the thing in his hand until one of the baristas started snickering as he walked off. He continued walking away from the counter and when he reached the door, he clearly heard hysterical laughter from the other baristas.

Kylo whirled around and glared at the Starbucks servers. Despite his oh-so intimidating looks, the staff were still stifling giggles. No, it was actually the boys busying themselves with the espresso machines that were laughing their asses off. It was the cashier that had the biggest fucking smirk on her face. He narrowed his eyes at the girl and that’s when he realised.

He looked down at his drink.

On the cardboard coffee holder, “Punk Bitch” was written in big block letters. Then on the cup was his name.

Well, a bastardised version of it, anyway.

“Kyle Lauren,” Hux read aloud as he peered over Kylo’s shoulder. The ginger boy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Here we go-”

The coffee spilled in his hand as Kylo crushed the cup and threw it on the ground. Professor Phasma was leaning on the doorway, expression stoic. He kinda deserved it, she thought. But it’s best to get her best students out of the café before someone damaged property. “Ren, we’re gonna be late,” she called out.

Kylo took a deep breath and left the café, still pissed off. Hux followed behind and for good measure, he flipped the bird at the baristas.

The baristas, on the other hand, were in hysterics. “That was fucking amazing, Finn!” Poe said after he finished pouring the drinks. Finn grabbed the cups and arranged them in a tray to serve.

“Been wanting to do that since forever,” Finn said. “You get credit for keeping your cool,” he said to Rey. The girl just finished putting down a customer’s order. She turned around to point finger guns at her friends.

“They don’t call me Death Rey for nothing,” she said.

“Nobody calls you Death Rey,” Poe retorted.

“Whatever, people will start calling me that once I beat all of them at beer pong tonight.”

“Oh right,” Poe said. “The party. The party tonight, the party that will be held tonight, tonight’s party.” He paused. “It’s a costume party, right?”

Finn nodded. “Most of the kids from the First Order will be dressing up as something called Stormtroopers. Phasma, Hux, and _Kyle_ ,” Finn said, chuckling as he put more emphasis on the last word, “will be dressing up differently.”

“Holy shit, let’s call him Kyle Lauren from now on, it’ll be the best,” Rey said. “With tonight’s party, it’ll spread like wildfire!” She offered her hand for a high five. “I am super epic!” Finn and Poe gave her high fives.

Rey’s phone chirped. She glanced at the screen and almost dropped the device.

“Who was it?” Finn asked. He peered over her shoulder as he was absentmindedly wiping the counter.

**_Message from ‘could be a booty call’:_ ** _u comin to the party?_

“Is that…?” Poe trailed off. He gasped. “Holy shit, it is! You should’ve told me you had the hots for Jess!”

Rey smacked Poe’s shoulder. “I don’t have the hots for her, she was the one who came onto me first.”

“Ah, yes, but you didn’t reject her _outright,_ ” Poe replied. “Just tell me when you’re free and I’ll set you two up.”

“Oh my god. Don’t,” Rey said as she hastily tapped out a reply. She put away her phone and helped the boys with general cleaning.

“I’ve worked with Jess before. She seems nice,” Finn said. “I think you two will make a great couple.”

“What’s with you two saying-!”

A customer cleared their throat. Rey whirled around and put on her retail face. “Welcome to Starbucks, can I take your order?”

“I’ll just have a latte, thanks.” Rey was screaming internally as she took down Jessika Pava’s order. _ShelikesalatteIlikeheralattetoo._

“Will you be having it here or to go?”

“I’ll have it here.”

She punched in the order and Poe was already extracting the coffee grounds. Finn prepared the cups and he waggled his eyebrows at Rey. The girl gave him a look that told him to knock it off.

While Rey was giving Jessika her change, Poe went over to Finn. “You should write down your room number there,” he said, gesturing towards the napkin Finn put on the tray. “I know you guys are roomies so I’ll let you crash at my place in case things get a little…” he trailed off with a wink. Finn laughed and quickly wrote down his and Rey’s room number and the address of their dorm block.

Rey really needed some Gatorade after being thirsty for so long. It was time for payback anyway, since she wrote down Finn’s number on Poe’s cup when he ordered a cup of coffee that one time. Poe took it lightly but Finn seriously thought for a second that the older student would take it another way.

Poe poured the latte into the cup and slid it over to Finn. “I’m thinking of going as a Resistance pilot for the party tonight. What about you?”

Finn shrugged. “Costume parties aren’t really my thing.”

“You don’t have to come in a costume. Just wear one of those crappy masquerade masks.”

“I’ll consider it,” he said as he walked off with the tray. Poe tried his best not to look at dat ass.

“As much as I appreciate your courting methods, you might need to speed things up a little,” Rey commented.

“Says the girl who calls one of my friends a booty call and has made no move whatsoever.”

“I’m working on it,” she said with a pout.

Finn got back from serving Jessika. “Before I forget, do we need anything from the grocery store?” he asked Rey.

“Many, many candles,” Rey automatically replied.

“You can have _four_ ,” Finn snapped.

* * *

 

“Fuck those three,” Kylo muttered, kicking at leaves on the pavement.

“Those Resistance students have nothing better to do in their subpar establishment,” Hux said. “It’ll pass. They’ll know your true strength during the house party tonight.”

“Speaking of,” Kylo said, turning around, “Professor, will you be coming?”

Phasma hummed in agreement. “But I’ll be in full costume. Wouldn’t want students to feel awkward while their professor is in their midst.”

“I wonder who will figure out it’s actually you-” Hux was cut off mid-sentence when he stumbled. He glared at Kylo, who feigned innocence.

“It was the Force,” he said.

“Fuck you,” Hux muttered.

Phasma sighed. The things she does for the First Order…

* * *

 

“Hey, does anyone know if Finn has any pilot in him?” Poe asked while he was tinkering with a spare part. The other robotics students looked at him in confusion.

“Nobody respond,” Han Solo, their mentor, warned. The students went back to their work.

“Why? I’m just curious if Finn has any pilot in him,” Poe said innocently. Some of the students quietly groaned when they realised where he was getting at, while some of them honestly didn’t care. All of the students at the robotics club pretty much knew about Poe’s infatuation with Finn. It was a running gag that Poe would bring Finn along to a meeting and sneak in as many pickup lines as he could without Finn noticing. At this point, they were surprised Finn hasn’t done anything about it.

“Silence,” Han said, dreading what was coming next. Leia, their other mentor, decided to humour Poe.

“I don’t think he does,” she said.

“Would he like some?” Poe said. There were a handful of loud groans from some students while others just shook their heads, 5000% done with Poe’s shit.

“I’m right here,” Finn said. He knew that Poe would sneak in those bad pickup lines whenever he brought Finn along to an afternoon at the robotics club. At first, he found it funny that Poe was so casual with stuff like that. After some time, it was just routine that Poe would hit on Finn in front of the robotics club. Not that he wasn’t okay with it, he actually found it flattering that Poe felt that he could trust Finn enough that he could act a little gayer around him.

“All in good fun, buddy,” Poe said, putting an arm around Finn’s shoulder. “So have you thought about it?”

“About what?” Finn said.

“You’re coming to the party, right?”

Finn nodded. “Don’t have anything better to do.”

“Sweet!” Poe said, hugging Finn. The hug lasted just a touch too long and Finn found himself enjoying Poe’s embrace a little too much.

“Get a room!” Snap called out. 


	2. The Night Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in 24 hours!! Well, technically Valentine's Day is over here in Australia but time is a social construct.  
> This chapter is when everything happens so it's going to be a lot longer than the last one.

“You got the drinks?” Kylo asked. Hux hoisted a couple of 6-pack beers in response. He ushered Hux into the bar, where he was going to host tonight’s costume party. He managed to use his occasionally useful family connections to rent out the place for the night. “I hope there’s more where that came from.”

“Yes, there is,” Phasma replied. She was carrying an old wine box that had a shitload of Jägermeister and Red Bull. “I intend to display my strength by challenging anyone who is willing to a round of Jager bombs with me.”

“I’m quite satisfied with wine, to be honest,” Hux confessed. He only let that piece of information slip. He wasn’t willing to tell Ren or Phasma that once a month, he comes to this club in his neighbourhood. No, not the snobby wine clubs that cost a year’s worth of rent for a month of membership, but rather a shabby meetup in some middle-aged, PTA mom’s home. They were a friendly bunch and their meetups rotated on a roster. This month, Hux has to go to Helen’s. He fucking hated Helen, wanted to fight her all the time because she was just so _stupid._

“I’ll drink to that,” Kylo said. He was behind the bar counter and stooped down to bring out the alcohol he bought. One by one, he brought up five litre boxes of wine. Upon closer inspection, Hux noticed it wasn’t even good wine.

“Why the fuck would you let anyone near this shit?” Hux said, disgusted. The fact that these bottles were less than a foot away from him and he hasn’t died of bad taste is a miracle.

“Who said they were for anyone?” Kylo replied. Phasma blinked.

“For once, I have no words,” Phasma admitted. She put down her contribution of alcohol down on the counter. “I’ll go get the vodka and the rest of the drinks,” she said as she walked out the bar. “You two get dressed!” she called out.

* * *

 

“Why are we here so early?” Finn asked Poe. They were at the venue, alright, but they were a full 2 hours early before the agreed time. Poe was dressed in Resistance uniform with a brown leather jacket over it and Finn was wearing a black shirt and jeans. Patrons from the actual bar were still in the joint, talking and drinking.

“Just wanted to reserve a decent table,” Poe said, taking the menu on the table. He took a deep breath and made a show of reading the laminated piece of paper. “Well, as a _first order_ of business, I would like to _first order_ a drink.”

Finn cringed at how shitty that pun was. Poe liked to poke fun at the fact that Finn used to be a part of the First Order, but then transferred to the Resistance block when he found that being there just didn’t gel with him. Still, he took those jokes in stride since none of them didn’t hit him that personally.

“Dammit, Poe. I can’t take you anywhere without you making shitty puns,” Finn said, fondly exasperated at his Poe’s general… Poe-ness.

“Come on, you love me for it.”

“That I do,” Finn said, in that serious but not actually serious tone.

They grabbed a few drinks to warm up before the actual party. Then Poe had to excuse himself to the bathroom. As he left, Finn realised that he left his Resistance pilot jacket on the chair.

Finn leaned over the table and grabbed the jacket, snickering to himself as he wore it. Maybe _he_ can come as a Resistance pilot and not Poe. The jacket actually fit him well, but then again he and Poe were about the same height.

He was about to take off the jacket and return it when Poe was already there, walking back to his seat.

“Miss me?” Poe said mischievously. He sounded a little out of breath but Finn didn’t pay too much attention to it. “So,” he said, picking up his drink. “I was thinking that-” he stopped mid-sentence. He put down his drink. “That’s my jacket,” he said flatly.

Finn looked down at himself and started taking it off. “Sorry, I was just-”

Poe put the jacket back on Finn. “No, no. Keep it, it suits you,” he said. He sounded sincere and genuine. His gaze raked down Finn’s torso and he patted Finn’s shoulder as a gesture of affection. Wait, did he just _bite his lip_ while he did that???

“I don’t know if you meant it, but that,” Finn said, “was incredibly gay.”

“Better out of the closet than in, right?” Poe said, leaning back on his chair.

Finn’s eyes lit up as he suddenly realised something. “Do you realise we never stop tasting our own tongues?” he said, totally subtly changing the subject.

“How ‘bout I taste yours for a change?” Poe said with a shit-eating grin.

Finn groaned. Another shitty joke. If he had to take a shot every time Poe made a joke like that…

* * *

 

Poe was just about to exit the bathroom when somebody forced him against the wall, seizing him by the throat. “Hey, hey!” he said. “Usually, I’m into this but I barely even know you-”

“Tell me where your accomplices are,” Kylo Ren hissed.

“Oh, it’s you! Hey, Kyle Lauren! Long time no see!” The grip on Poe’s throat tightened and the boy coughed. “Okay, okay. Ease up there, big guy.”

“You shamed me in public. And you continue to shame me now. If you want me to spare your life,” he said the next words slowly, “tell me where your accomplices are.”

When Poe didn’t answer, Kylo tightened his hold on Poe’s throat. The boy coughed. “They’re… in the… updog…”

“What’s updog?”

“Nothing much, dog. What’s up with you?” Poe said, unable to contain his smirk.

Before letting him go, Kylo slapped Poe’s face for good measure. “This isn’t over.”

* * *

“Bet you twenty bucks I can’t beat silver Stormtrooper over there,” Rey said to her friends, pointing at the mentioned figure. She was wearing a really long gauze wrapped around her like crisscrossing sashes over a pale shirt and brown Capri pants. Finn and Poe look at where Rey was pointing and Poe nodded.

“Deal. Bet you can’t do it,” he said. “What about you, Finn?”

Finn looked like he knew something they didn’t. “I’d rather see how this goes,” he said.

“If you’re keeping something from me,” Rey warned.

Finn shook his head. “It’s nothing important,” he totally lied. Rey decided to let it slide and she went over to sit beside the silver Stormtrooper. She leaned over the counter and made two Jager bombs for her and the silver trooper.

“Whoever gets drunk first does what the other guys says,” she challenged. “Before we get into anything, we gotta set the stakes. To do that, I gotta need your name. I’m Rey.”

Before Phasma could shake Rey’s hand, a man bumped into Rey. She felt alcohol seep down her back and she flinched at the sensation. “What the fuck!” she cried, turning to see who spilled their drink on her shirt.

“You,” she said, tone getting increasingly angry. “Weren’t you the punk bitch who choked that sophomore?”

Kylo Ren huffed. “It was Pava’s fault that she insulted my org.” He was wearing some all black robe with a hood and his collapsible bo staff was painted red for the night. In this getup, he looked even more like a punk bitch.

“It still wasn’t right to _choke another student_ just because they talked shit about your stupid org!”

“You are _such_ a hypocrite. Are you purposefully forgetting what happened back at Starbucks?”

Rey momentarily forgot what he was taking about. Then she snapped her fingers, suddenly remembering. “Kyle Lauren! Yeah, it’s all in good fun,” she said casually. “Sometimes we purposely spell names wrong and see how the customer reacts.”

Kylo pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s more than that, I-” he started to sniffle.

“Oh god, don’t-” Phasma started. But it was too late. Kylo Ren was already going on a monologue about the significance of his name so repeated that Phasma instinctively mouths along with Kylo as he laments about his misery.

“I’m not _just_ the son of Han Solo! I’m more than that! I-” he crumbled into a sobbing heap on the floor. Rey wanted to stoop down and help him but she didn’t know what to do.

As if on cue, Hux coaxed the blubbering mess of daddy issues off the floor and helped him walk out the bar. He was wearing an all-black military uniform and a hat that was just this side of lopsided. He looked behind his shoulder and gave a disapproving glare at Rey. “Tell 2187 to get ready because he’s next.”

Rey barely registered what Hux just said. She turned to Phasma and raised a glass. “One more round?” She really needed a drink.

* * *

 

“You,” Rey slurred, “are a fucking _machine_.” She put her head down on the table as she set down her 5 th—or was it the 15th—Jager bomb. Phasma decided to take off her helmet. It was getting stuffy and the girl would probably forget her face, anyway.

“I believe you have a certain number to give?” she said smugly. Rey groaned and drunkenly dictated her number to Phasma. She tapped out a simple message to Rey.

Rey’s phone beeped. She raised her head to glance at the message, then at Phasma. Her eyes widened and she sat up slowly. “Holy fuck.”

Phasma looked at Rey with a calm but amused expression. _Weak_ , she thought. “Something the matter?” she said aloud.

“Yer.” Rey hiccupped. Do drunk people even do that? Apparently, this one does. “Yer a fucking goddess.”

“I appreciate your compliment.”

“No, like. Those goddesses that are really hot but they can kick your ass in less than two seconds.”

Phasma actually smiled at that. Yes, the girl was drunk off her mind but at least she finally had a conversation with her.

Rey was suddenly in Phasma’s personal space. “Yer also, like, _really_ tall.” She giggled. “I bet that you can lift me with them guns,” she said with a waggle of her eyebrows. She threw her head back in a laugh and then leaned against Phasma as her laughter died down.

“You’re gonna be named ‘mark me down as scared and horny’ in my contact list,” she said as she walked away from Phasma, typing on her phone. “See ya around, ya champ!”

Rey ambled over to Finn and Poe’s table and flopped down on a chair. “That silver trooper would’ve made an _epic_ one night stand.”

“If you’re okay with banging my ex-professor.” Finn said.

“Your what?”

“The silver Stormtrooper. That’s Phasma, I used to be a student of hers. Back when I was still with the First Order.”

Rey actually seemed to sober up a little bit at that. “Are you saying that I could’ve gotten head from a _professor_?”

“Whoa, whoa. Back up. What’s this about getting head?” Poe said.

“If I got drunk first, I had to give her my number. If she got drunk first, she has to blow me.”

“Thank God you’re a lightweight, then,” Poe joked.

“I am not lightweight! Phasma’s got some Captain America metabolism in her!”

“Alright, let’s take a step back,” Finn said. A comfortable silence fell on the three until a jazz beat filled the bar. Why a bar would play this upbeat jazz at a costume party, Rey had no idea.

Poe shook his head in disbelief. He frantically tapped Finn’s arm. He gestured in the general direction of the speakers. “It’s the song!” he said. Finn cocked his head to make out the tune. Then, Finn’s eyes lit up. He looked at the dance floor and found a decent space there. He looked at Poe as if asking him if he was ready.

“We’re definitely gonna do this,” Poe said excitedly. Rey watched in bewilderment as Poe and Finn went to the dancefloor.

“What are you guys doing?!”

“Tearing up the bar, dude. Check this shit out,” Poe said. He looked at Finn, asking a silent question. Finn nodded.

Rey, in her drunken state, could still tell that this party was absolutely bonkers. Getting almost-head from Phasma and now her two best friends dancing in perfect sync with weird-ass choreography to an equally weird-ass song.

The people near Poe and Finn, however, were enjoying this little dance number the two boys were showing off. After a while, Finn stopped dancing, politely backing out and disappearing into the crowd.

“How even did you find the time to come up with that choreography?” Rey asked when Finn returned. The boy shrugged.

“Honestly, we just made it up right then and there. We only picked that song because Poe had to dance to it as a little kid.”

Rey snorted. “Gotta get that story out of him soon.”

“Yeah…” Finn trailed off. Poe got back and asked, “You guys wanna get outta here?” Finn and Rey nodded. “Great, I’ve been suffocating.”

The three went outside and the chilly air woke them all up a bit. “Wow, the stars are beautiful,” Poe said, looking up at the night sky.

“Yeah, they are,” Finn said.

“Do you know who else is beautiful?” Poe was totally not trying to legitimately flirt with Finn as he said it.

“BeebeeAte,” Rey said before anyone could say anything disgustingly cheesy. Honestly, if those two wanted to fuck, they’d better not do it in her and Finn’s room.

“That’s true,” Finn and Poe said in unison.

Rey’s phone chirped twice.

 ** _Message from ‘could be a booty call’:_** i’m at your room. where are you?

 ** _Message from ‘mark me down as scared and horny’:_** Are you free tomorrow?

“Hoo boy,” she said. Finn and Poe snapped out of their reverie.

Rey showed her phone. “I understand Phasma’s text but who let Jess in?”

“It was my idea,” Poe said. Rey looked at him like he was sending her to her death sentence.

Poe sighed. ““Seriously, this is an opportunity for you. The Gatorade for your long suffering thirst. Go,” he said with a sweeping gesture. “Go forth and give Pava the best night of her life.”

Rey sighed, considering it. Finally, she threw up her hands in defeat. “Fuck it,” she said.

“Fuck _her,_ ” Poe corrected. Rey flipped him off as she walked towards her dorm room.

“So, I guess I’m crashing at yours tonight?” Finn said.

“Yes, and we’ll make sweet, sweet love all night.”

Finn wasn’t sure if Poe was actually serious.

* * *

 

“Why do people hate me, Hux?” Kylo asked. He and the ginger were in his room, their costumes off and left in nothing but their undergarments. Kylo was slowly gaining rational thought, but he was still wasted enough that his words slurred and his concept of personal space was temporarily forgotten. Hux shrugged.

“I disagree to that. I believe that they fear you. They’re just hiding behind crass insults to mask their true feelings.”

Kylo sighed dramatically. He flopped himself on Hux’s so that his head was on the ginger’s lap. “How long have we known each other?”

Hux subtly shifted in his weight. The downside of a drunk Kylo Ren is that he tended to be extremely tactile. And Hux hated physical contact. Well, maybe Kylo was an exception but that was because he’s been such an ass to him for so long that really, he’d accept anything he did to Hux at this point.

“Longer than I care to think,” Hux replied. They stayed in silence. Then Kylo started thinking out loud, with Hux humming intermittently to show that was he half-listening to the other boy.

Fuck it, Hux thought. It’s college, Kylo is drunk, and he has _needs_ , okay? “Just shut the fuck up, Ren. For once,” he said.

Before Kylo could protest at his friend’s outburst, Hux kissed him.


	3. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Also because come on, admit it, you loved this.

Rey woke up in the safety and comfort of her own dorm room. She was feeling slightly shitty but was too sleepy to actually care.

When she tried to move, she found that there was someone else in bed with her.

Oh, fuck. Now she remembers.

Jessika Pava. She slept with Jessika Pava.

Holy shit.

“Mmm,” Jessika hummed appreciatively into Rey’s neck. “Morning,” she mumbled.

Rey wanted to pinch herself. “This _must_ be a dream,” she muttered.

“Nope,” Jess replied, shifting so that she was facing Rey. “We totally fucked and it was awesome.”

“Really?” Rey said in disbelief. “I mean, I was pretty wasted with all the Jager bombs…”

Jess laughed. “Don’t worry, you didn’t do anything stupid, if that’s what you’re worried about.” She looked around the room. “Are we the only ones here? I thought Finn was your roommate?”

Rey remembered last night. How Finn and Poe _totally_ looked like they were willing to fuck outside the bar right then and there after the whole Kylo Ren emo breakdown.

“Yes,” Rey said, “but I think he had better things to do,” she said, smirking at her choice of words.

“More like better _people_ to do,” Jess supplied. She was in aeronautics with Poe and she was always on the receiving end of Poe’s endless rants about how adorable and cute Finn is. “It was about time, anyway.”

Rey got out of bed and realised she was stark naked. She looked around for clothes and Jessika snickered. “Come on, it’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before.”

“Yeah, well _I_ don’t remember that,” Rey protested. “Where are my panties…” she muttered as she went to leave the room.

“You better come back here!” Jess called out. “I’ve yet to return the favour,” she added.

Rey stopped in her tracks. “On second thought.” She turned on her heel and went back to bed.

* * *

 

“Do you think my grandfather is proud of me?” Kylo asked.

“Ren, I’m balls deep,” Hux panted. His thrusts into Kylo were slow but always hit that sweet spot.

“I can see that but—ah—would you think he’d approve? What I’m doing with the org?”

“I could not care less when I’m about to come.”

* * *

Rey was in decent clothes now. She and Jess parted ways when Jess had to go back to her place. With bits and pieces coming back to her (and the gratuitous photos of Pava’s ass in her phone), Rey was beginning to remember what happened the previous night.

Shit, she had to reply to the silver trooper’s text. What was her name, Plasma? No, it was _Phasma_. Finn’s ex-professor. Rey cringed. It was Phasma’s responsibility not to hook up with students, not Rey’s. Still, she had to let her down easy.

Rey took out her phone and stared at the message.

_Are you free tomorrow?_

She texted her reply.

_I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I’m a student from the university the bar we met is located at and I have heard that you’re a professor there. I’m flattered by your interest but it would be best if we keep it professional._

Rey wasn’t going to lie, Phasma would have made an _excellent_ partner. It’s just the whole “ex-professor of my best friend” that turned her off. Her phone chirped.

_I understand. It was nice doing Jager bombs with you._

_See you in another life. :)_

So that would be the end of it. Well, Rey would still keep Phasma’s number. Who knows? She might have a class with her next semester.

What she needed to do was go to Poe’s dorm room.

* * *

Rey was snickering quietly as she filmed herself entering Poe’s room. The door was slightly ajar and she pushed it all the way open loudly. A figure was sleeping underneath a blanket on the top bunk.

“Wake up, sleepyhead!” she screamed.

Poe slowly sat up, his hair a mess and eyes barely open when he stared at Rey. What she didn’t expect was Finn getting up beside him, groaning loudly and muttering about hangovers.

“Oh shit!” Rey frantically went out of the room and stopped recording. She didn’t think they would _actually_ do it.

She’s gotta tell BB-8 about it.

* * *

“Wassup, guys,” Poe said. He entered the change room in the gym and took off his shirt. His friends from aeronautics muttered half-hearted greetings at him as they minded their own business.

“Hectic day, huh?” one of them said.

“Oh, yeah,” another one said. “You should’ve seen the mess in the-” He stopped mid-sentence and so did his friend. “-hangar…” He was staring at something and so did the first one.

“Hey, Poe,” the second student said, “how close are you and Finn?” he asked. The first student beckoned Snap to witness what they were seeing.

Poe laughed. “Pretty close. Why?” Snap was slightly irritated that he had to participate in their nonsense when he saw it.

There were bright red scratch marks on Poe’s shoulders. They weren’t even scars, they were _actual scratches_ that looked very new. Almost like they were made last night.

The realisation dawned on Snap and the other aeronautics students. They all laughed and Poe suddenly realised why they were laughing. He blushed and hid his face in his hands.

“We’re very happy for you,” Snap said.

“Don’t worry. They make you look super masculine.”

“I hate you all,” Poe muttered.

“Poe, chill. It’s all cool.”

Poe composed himself and looked sternly at his friends. “You better not bring this up next time I bring Finn along.”

Snap raised his hand to indicate he was promising something. “We won’t bring it up,” he said, barely containing a laugh.

“Oh my god…” Poe groaned. He so wasn't going to hear the end of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp! It was a short but awesome ride with you people! Next chapter is credits and extra scenes bc y'all lovely with your comments.


	4. Credits + Bonus Scenes

** Credits **

_Without these shitposts, I would not have written this fic. Some are used in its entirety, in part, or with modification to fit the story._

_Here they are by chronological appearance:_

[Kyle Lauren scene](http://matereya.tumblr.com/post/137915481017/it-was-a-lot-funnier-in-my-head-%E3%83%84-x)

[Rey's contact list](http://cassianandor.tumblr.com/post/138587700627/if-rey-had-a-cellphone-peoples-name-edition)

["Many, many candles"](http://iidelirium.tumblr.com/post/138072638944/pastelle-prince-shadetastic-you-can-have)

["It was the Force"](http://daisydeerisland.tumblr.com/post/137928120876/shadesofbravery-kylo-ren-definitely-used-the)

["Hey, does anyone know if Finn has any pilot in him?"](http://stripperanakin.tumblr.com/post/138047066771/has-this-been-done-yet)

[Everyone's drinking preferences](http://stripperanakin.tumblr.com/post/138685122690/emmafrosticle-ok-so-since-ive-worked-in-a)

["Well, as a first order of business..."](http://jinglefish.tumblr.com/post/138450665490/dammit-poe-see-my-star-wars-tag-for-more-bonus)

["They're... in the... updog..."](http://dookus.tumblr.com/post/138587916174/poe-bad-jokes-dameron)

["Do you realise we never stop tasting our own tongues?"](http://poes-tousled-hair.tumblr.com/post/139050671060/hrhleiaorgana-star-wars-text-posts)

[Finn and Poe's dance number](http://arcribbins.tumblr.com/post/138903413646/the-crossover-that-wouldnt-get-out-of-my-head)

[(honourable mention)](http://millenniumfucko.tumblr.com/post/137799032889)

["Wow, the stars are beautiful"](http://itsapiratelifeforyou.tumblr.com/post/137911180792/poe-dameron-wow-the-stars-are-beautiful-finn)

["Ren, I'm balls deep"](http://ky-lux.tumblr.com/post/137913342902/kylo-do-you-think-my-grandfather-is-proud-of-me)

["Wake up, sleepyhead!"](http://tchala.tumblr.com/post/136714589202/rey-runs-off-to-tell-bb-8-what-the-heck-she-just)

["How close are you and Finn?"](http://tellinpa.tumblr.com/post/138626965117/listen-i-had-to-get-this-out-of-my-system)

Let me know if any of these links are broken.

Onto the bonus scenes!

* * *

 

**Extra Scene #1:**

BB-8 rolled beside Finn as the freshman walked to class. “How was your day?”

“Poe-Friend kept on telling me you had a nice butt,” the droid said. In perfect, coherent English. Finn stopped in his tracks.

“Wait, what did you say?”

“Oh! You can understand me now. There must be a malfunction with my language program.”

Finn knelt in front of the droid. “So you weren’t _always_ speaking in beeps and chirps?”

“Oh yes. At first, I was programmed to speak in English but the robotics team decided it would scare students. So they switched my language output to a made up system of their invention.”

The freshman paused, taking in the new information. Then he decided to ask about the stuff that matters. “What was that about Poe?”

“Oh yes! Poe-Friend kept on telling me that he’s always wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with you.” The droid’s dome leaned forward as if to whisper. “Sometimes I hear him masturbate at night, saying your name.”

“Jesus Christ!” Finn covered his eyes. “Too much information, Beebee.”

“He sounds pathetic. You must ask him out before he does something foolish.”

“I don’t know, Beebee.” The two shared a silence. “You should get to the robotics team, get your language program repaired.”

“That I will do,” BB-8 said as the droid rolled away.

* * *

 

**Extra Scene #2:**

“Hey, Finn,” Rey said in a singsong voice. “You know what day it is?”

They just finished their shift at the café. Poe had a few minutes left in his shift and the two roommates were staying back to wait for him.

Finn narrowed his eyes. “What Valentine surprise are you going to spring on me?”

Rey put up her hands in a placating gesture. “I promise it’s not like the year I put red post its all over your room.”

“You filled it from the floor to the _ceiling,_ ” Finn said. “I am not trusting you.”

“No, you don’t get it,” Rey said. “It’s not me-”

The sound of guitar strings filled the room. Finn turned around to see the source of the noise.

It was Poe. Playing the guitar. Not to the customers, but to _Finn_.

“Poe.” Finn was speechless.

“When your legs don’t work like they used to before,” Poe sang. He plucked the strings with an easy grace. He was standing in front of Finn, slightly swaying to the song’s beat.

“Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?” he continued with a wink. Finn blushed.

“Absolute gold,” Rey whispered as she filmed the two. BB-8 was also filming and beeped in agreement.

Finn watched Poe serenade to him, deeply touched by the gesture. He didn’t know Poe could sing and so this was totally unexpected. He almost wanted to cry.

Poe finished the chorus and put down the guitar on a nearby table. He walked towards Finn and got down on one knee. “Buddy, I gotta tell you something,” Poe said.

Finn felt ecstatic. He felt like a teenage girl about to be asked out to prom. “Whatever it is, yes!” he impulsively said.

“Oh great!” Poe said. “I’ve always needed a gym buddy.”

Finn laughed. “Should’ve known,” he said with a shake of his head. “Valentine’s Day was last Sunday and it’s Wednesday today.”

Poe stood up. “But in all seriousness,” he whispered as he held Finn close, “it’d be really cool if you let me be your boyfriend.”

A second later and they were kissing. Rey pumped her fist while maintain her hold on the camera. BB-8 beeped contentedly as it stopped filming.

Later, Rey showed Jessika the footage on her phone. Jessika sighed in defeat and gave her $20.

**Author's Note:**

> If I made you laugh, cry, or punch a wall, please let me know in the comments ^_^


End file.
